I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. *************************** As a wine expert, you probably know that the secret to enjoying a good red wine is: 1. Open the bottle to allow the wine to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Drink wine, and you will sleep well. Sleep, and you will not sin. Avoid sin, and you will be saved. Ergo, drink wine and be saved.” -- Medieval German saying WINE HUMOUR ^^^^^^^^^^^ SHE: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner." HE: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating and then turn full-bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary and give you a headache." "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. =++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A WINE WRITER’S DIARY a B-Team report, from Dean Tudor. SUNDAY Woke up this morning with a shattering headache, one I had not experienced since my college days…What was it? Why was it? Seemed like a hangover to me, although I seldom overindulge these days with alcohol. And then it hit me…A group of us were watching the DVD of “Sideways” and we all went for a bunch of garbage bowls. It was a massive chugalug of the spittoons after a raucous evening of taste and spit. I seem to recall that I took no notes of the aromas and textures of the spittoon, but a card in my pocket said that I had won both the speed and the quantity contest. Thank god we didn’t sample any merlots last time or I’d be SOL!!! The afternoon was spent prioritizing my wine and food activities for the week. As a B-team wine writer, I don’t get to do all the things that the A-team does (these are the writers for the dailies and the consumer magazines). Let me see: this week there are a couple of trade shows (including one from a B-team wine region, in desperate need of any kind of exposure), a lunch with a producer; a lunch with a trade commission wine guy; a dinner theatre which needs some publicity (we usually call it “ptomaine theatre”), plus the consultations/advisements on wine lists, wine clubs, etc. etc. Alas, my radio spot was cancelled last week when somebody asked which wine went with pussy, and – without missing a beat -- I gave him a choice of sparkling apricot or sweet riesling. The station was not amused; the next wine writer will get a five second delay…It is a jungle out there. MONDAY – Up at 5 AM to begin writing on the inside of my eyelids...I’ve got a few story ideas that are best processed in bed. By 7 AM I have it all laid out, and I can begin the day. I have a rowing machine, which I use when the inclement weather looks too forbidding for my 10K run. Usually when I row I watch a DVD of a silent or a foreign film: no noise, no interruptions, and plenty of reading. Sometimes, for an English language film, I’ll turn on the subtitles, still keeping the sound off. This works wonders for many BritComs where I can’t quite catch the accent in time to process it – before the next joke occurs. Today I feast on the food scene in “Tom Jones”...Makes me hungry just writing about it. I get a phone call from the ICE (Italy) reminding me of today’s technical wine seminar, and would I please be on time? Of course, I lie…These things never start on time… I’m off this morning to the Italian wine trade show, which usually happens at the Carlu. After we’re searched at the door, we go to pick up the catalogue. The show is supposed to be in Montreal, Vancouver and Toronto. Consequently, there are many wines NOT available for tasting in Toronto: I’d have to go to Montreal or Vancouver for those…But they are all still listed in the catalogue for the sake of economy. The Italians go out of their way to list all the companies, the agents, addresses galore, maps, vintage notes, technical notes, names and vintages of all the wines, grape varieties employed and their percentages. Wines are starred and footnoted to indicate whether they are in Vancouver, Montreal or Toronto. Clay-based paper is used, and unfortunately, with all this data, each catalogue weighs 6 kilos. I spend some time crossing off those wines not in Toronto (only to find out later that some of them actually are here!). The technical tasting involves a range of presentations from producers in both Italian and English, sometimes both; it is called for 10:30AM but actually starts at 11. I get there at 10:45 for a good seat, talk to B-team colleagues, start marking up my catalogue. Lunch is a buffet, the usual standup buffet. I always wear comfortable shoes (but see my notes for Friday). The banquet table fits my seafood diet: I see food, I eat it. I walk around trying to taste some 220 wines, realizing that I cannot do it. The ones I do taste don’t seem to be currently available, the agent doesn’t know when they will be available, nor does he know their prices or terms. Occasionally there will be a Principal who does not speak English, or a wine director who only knows the FOB price in Euros. Typical of most trade shows, no matter how much the catalogue weighs or how it is laid out…I move on through the jungle. TUESDAY – This morning I get down to writing. Then there is a “lunch” meeting with a producer at the LCBO’s Scrivener Square Private Tasting Room. The wine press here is a mixture of A- and B-team players. Occasionally, a Product Consultant or staffer from the LCBO will there with us. Today we have a winemaker speaking about his ten wines. Three of the wines are in the General List, another two are in the Vintages system, one is here on consignment, another is being proposed for the General List (this one seems to have the most publicity material in front of it), one more is coming to Vintages, one is a definite Private Order (but could we please say something about it, to encourage sales?), and the last one is a new vintage (or it could be a barrel sample). This is the typical lineup. The producer rep is accompanied by four agent reps, sometimes five. And sometimes the reps outnumber the writers. I’ve also been to several tastings and dinners where I was the only writer who turned up! I hate it when “they” outnumber me…Usually the European (or some other non-US country) producer rep is either an Export Director or the Winemaker. Some of the larger non-US producers have Export Directors who live in California or New York City, and they come up to Toronto. It is extremely rare for a producer to come with two or more wine people, since most matters can be handled by the local agent. My strategy has always been to directly engage the visitor by asking relevant but off-topic questions. The Export Director is always talking about marketing facts and figures; I always ask about percentages of grape varieties, winemaking techniques, the latest vintage conditions. Sometimes they know this stuff. The Winemaker is always talking about viniculture and viticulture, the expression of the grapes/wine through his vision, and the like; I always ask about export figures, where Ontario stands in the world markets, pricing policy, bottle shapes. Keeps ‘em all on their toes, especially the local agent… The “lunch” is cheese, bread, grapes. It is sustaining. I remember being at one wine tasting at 6 PM in the Four Seasons. The agent provided nothing: no food, no bread, not even water. I had to take a wine glass to the hotel john to get tap water… This afternoon I visit a few restaurants to set up wine lists and talk about the Bring Your Own Wine program. Ptomaine theatre is also on the list. Most restaurateurs know little about wine’s selling potential: they rely on consultants and sommeliers. I swing on a few vines through the jungle. WEDNESDAY – I’m meeting with a trade commission person responsible for wine in Ontario from his country: he is going to outline a trip for me. But I don’t want to go (too far, too long). He tries to convince me of the deep background, the familiarization tour (famtour). I agree, but it is not my style. Instead, I try to persuade him to let me sample some of his country’s wines. Could he not send me some cases of wine for my assessment with my own paid-for meals? He pulls out a spreadsheet which he says clearly shows that it is actually CHEAPER (for the trade commission as sponsor) to send me via air (top filling), put me up in a hotel (top fill), ferry me about in a bus (cost spread over participants), with the winetastings and meals paid by the wineries involved. Sending me wine can be very expensive, with cartage and taxes. It looks convincing, but it is still unbelievable. And speaking of sending me wine, the usual dribble of General List wine bottles arrive on my doorstep, and I store it for a neighbourhood tasting and party (see Saturday) at the usual jungle location. THURSDAY – There is a really terrific wine trade show this afternoon, overflowing with delicious wines and comestibles that meet my seafood diet. One problem: the catalogue is dreadful. There are no page numbers, there is no order to the producers, there is no listing of table numbers, there are no agents listed, half of the wines are not here, and of the wines that are here some are not in the catalogue. The direct opposite of the ICE catalogues. One agent tells me that he is four pages from the centre, to the left side. Okay, I can do that…After awhile, I throw away the catalogue and just use a blank book for tasting notes. Trade shows are not the best places to taste wines professionally: they are actually the worse. They are crowded, there are food smells, the producers are too busy talking to one person to pour wine to a second person, nobody seems to know much about prices or availability, there is a definite pecking order both for the A- and B-team wine writers and for certain wineries, there are a lot of “unknowledgeable people” floating about, many gatecrashers, much body odour and many perfume scents, people hang around tables after they get a sample when they should be moving away, irrelevant chatter at the tasting tables, too much of a “party” feel, spittoons are always in short supply and not cleared often enough, water is missing, etc. A jungle, and not my favourite activity. Wines can range from 50 samples up through 600, with about three hours to sample all of them. Of course, I don’t/can’t try them all. So I sift through the program as far ahead as possible. At one show, the interesting catalogue went awry. The wines on the table were in the same order as listed in the catalogue. This was okay, if you tasted everything and shuffled along at the same speed with the guy ahead and the guy behind. It also helped if nobody talked to the producer, thus making the line move along. But nobody wanted to try everything, and spittoons were far and few between. The catalogue soon became useless. I’ve now rented myself out as a wine trade show consultant for the jungle life; it has been added to my resume. FRIDAY – Fridays are one of my favourite days: we get to go to the LCBO tasting lab and sample many wines and spirits, usually about 100 at a time. For two Fridays, we do the Vintages release. A third Friday is devoted to General List and (at one time until the LCBO stopped offering Classics previews) to Classics Catalogue: usually about 50 wines, beers, spirits, coolers in total. Plus the Christmas Gift Selection. The fourth Friday is also at the LCBO, but at Scrivener Square, for the monthly Wine Writers Circle of Canada business meeting, which is followed by a tasting of some 50 submitted wines of all stripes and colours. Today, though, we needed to suit up for our annual fitting… Each year at this time the LCBO supplies us with running shoes, in order to taste all of the wines put out that week. We’ll be measured for foot length and width, and then our new shoes will be given to us next week. It is really amazing how quickly these shoes wear out (they’re made in China, just like all the other shoes are). We really need to be light on our toes and swift of eyeballs, for the LCBO catalogue is full of errors. It used to be that we had a proof copy of the Vintages magazine; now, we get a photocopy of the final version. So there is no opportunity for corrections to be made to the magazine as sent out to customers. Some errors are egregious, other errors are ones of judgment. Tasting panel notes can be a year old. The wrong vintage is shipped. Spelling errors and omissions happen. Unlike trade shows, the lab is a quiet place, well-lit, with about a dozen A- and B-team wine writers, a place to write notes, and a sort of casualness. Unfortunately, it is incumbent on us to actually taste EVERY wine for our readers, to have that one voice. So this means that I absorb alcohol through my gums and cheeks. I don’t have a car, and I certainly take the TTC down and back from the lab. Again, it is a jungle that we are constantly being vigilant about. SATURDAY – This afternoon I am to host my monthly street party: I gather up all the General List products and other assorted wines, select a few for a private tasting, and then put out the rest for my neighbours’ opinions. They drift in whenever, casual, and sip on a few wines. They may – or may not – make notes. I make notes, I gather comments. By the end, I’ve got enough data, and I’ve managed to send off a few half-empty bottles with those who wanted them. And then it is off to the “Sideways” champion garbage bowl contest. Oh…I think I already did that LAST week…Back to the jungle of “Mondovino”; I highly recommend the DVD for its extras… Dean Tudor, a proud member of the B-Team since 1969. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Encourged by the wine school at the University of California (Davis), California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night. They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More. 1) A nun comes into the office of the mother superior and whispers, "Mother Superior, we --uh -- we have discovered a case of syphilis." "Wonderful!!!" she says. "I was getting tired of the Chablis". 2a) "Do you prefer port, or sherry, darling?" "Oh, port, by all means. To me, port is the apotheosis of wine. A glass of vintage port is almost orchestral in its complexity, and between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of colors, of tonal textures. And sherry makes me fart". 2b) Equal time to -- "Do you prefer port, or sherry, darling?" "Oh, sherry, by all means. To me, sherry is the apotheosis of wine. A glass of oloroso is almost orchestral in its complexity, and between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of colors, of tonal textures. And port makes me fart". 3) And did you hear the one about the winemaker who was so excited about winning a gold medal that he had it bronzed? 4) A wine writer visits one of the many thousands of mediocre wineries in the world....He samples a range of wines, spitting as much as he can...He asks the winemaker: "Where was this wine made?" The winemaker points to a container two dozen feet away... Writer says: "Doesn't travel very well..." 5) How many winemakers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to screw it in, the other to stand by and proclaim what a great vintage it's going to be. 6) A wine's first duty is to be red All wines would be red if they could (Leon Adams ?) 7) A wine writer had just died. He was penurious, as most writers are; the estate could not pay for the funeral. A sympathetic winemaker wrote to all of his colleagues, "could you send me $25 to help bury a wine writer?" One winemaker wrote back: "Here's $50 -- bury two of them"... 8) How do you make a small fortune in the wine business? Start with a large one... ************************************************************** Maybe you've heard these expressions. Appropriate at wine tastings but outside of one, might get you arrested or at the least beaten up! "Spit or swallow?" "Stick your nose all the way in" "She’s needs to open up a bit" "I've had a '69 with my sister" "My God! Check out the legs on that Blue Nun!" "I keep Sherry on the rack in my cellar" "I find the Italians flacid and the French hard" "There are too many whites in this room" "He needs to practice the swirl" "She caught me sneaking Helen Turley into the house" "We're going to be doing it vertically" "You have to pull it out slowly, otherwise it’ll shoot all over the place!" "Have you tasted Joseph Phelps?" "I'm smelling leather right now" "Me and the guys did a 10 year old Tawny, it was sweet" "Mind if I check out your screwpull?" "Ladies, any of you enjoying my Beaune?" "Wow that really swelled up, can you stick it back in?" "Let it glide across your tongue" "I'm sorry Madame but your Pouilly-Fuisse is awfully dry" ************************************************************** Subject: Wal-Mart wine The top suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 12 Backendofadog 11 Chateau Merde, (s)table wine 10. Chateau Traileur Doublewide 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. NASCARbernet 6. Peanut Noir 5. Blue Light Special Nun 4. Chateau des Moines 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Wriesling And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine... 1. Nasti Spumante ************************************************************ The bottom line is that wine tastes awful.All the millions of poor slobs dutifully disguising the revolted pucker behind looks of thoughtful analysis, parroting gibberish of which they've no idea of the meaning, studying for hours so as not to be humiliated by menial restaurant employees once again, have fallen for a complex and insidious canard (see COLD DUCK). An "acquired taste" they call it. Well, you could acquire a taste for Ivory soap. Herewith is a glossary of selected wine terms and what they really mean: APPELLATION CONTROLEE: French for "Trust me" AROMA: A bad smell that comes from the grapes; See BOUQUET BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU: Wine so awful that it isn't worth aging. BOUQUET: A bad smell that's added during processing; See NOSE BRUT: Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back. Or a wine dealer. From the Latin, "Et tu, Brute" CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE: The pope's new house was paid for by swindling buyers into paying the price for this wine. DRY: Hurts your throat while swallowing. FRUITY: Tastes like children's cough medicine. See ROBUST NOBLE ROT: What well-born wine snobs talk. NOSE: The total effect of AROMA and BOUQUET; something you wish you could hold while drinking. ROBUST: Tastes like cough medicine. See FRUITY ROSE: Many people mistakenly pronounce this to rhyme with Jose. A term for a pinkish wine, named for what an early commentator said his gorge did when he tasted it. VARIETAL: Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins. VINTAGE: How many years we've been trying to get rid of this rotgut. ***************************************** The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL **************************************************************** B.A.T.F. REPORT #7546-1 AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE WINE INDUSTRY DEFINITIONS: Fully automatic - a bottle designed to be emptied at one sitting without reclosing (also known as "cork-closure") Semi-automatic - a bottle designed to be reclosed and poured again (also known as "screw-top") Assault bottle - a fully automatic high-capacity bottle (street slang: "jug" or "magnum") Hand bottle - a small, easily-concealed bottle, flask, or horn Saturday Night Special - an inexpensive wine with high alcohol content (such as Mad Dog 20-20) THE NRA: Wine devotees have created the NRA (National Riesling Association) to present a respectable public facade, as well as to peddle influence (known in the trade as "juice") to government officials. Controlled by sinister French, Italian, and Californian families and their hirelings, the NRA tries to suppress all reasonable efforts to regulate the wine industry. They operate covert production facilities in such locations as the light- tight basements of private wineries, also known as "caves", where public scrutiny can easily be avoided. Through the lavish distribution and use of their "juice", many celebrities and public officials have been co-opted into NRA participation. The activities of such fellow-travellers as Wilbur Mills, Dean Martin and Dudley Moore are well-documented, and need no elaboration here. Orson Welles, before his untimely death from overindulgence in strenuous NRA training, dared to suggest that wine consumption was part of a healthy, quality lifestyle. Senator Ted Kennedy has been known, on numerous occasions, to engage in pro-wine activities, ultimately leading to clothing-optional activities. WINE MILITIAS: Extremist NRA members join wine militia cells, often referred to as "tasting groups". Camouflaged in Birkenstocks and Polo shirts, they engage in clandestine night-time and weekend maneuvers they innocently call "horizontals" and "verticals". Militia members have also been observed purchasing unregistered bottles (usually by the dozen, or "case") from vendors of dubious repute around the globe, and shipping them illegaly and clandestinely across governmental jurisdictions disguised as "olive oil" or "auto parts". They unabashedly perform these deeds in full view of their children, who eventually learn to accept this deviant behavior as normal. At various times, wine militias have exploited the labor of repressed people in such countries as Chile, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia and South Africa in order to satiate the palates of their oppressors. Some well-to-do wine militia members possess extensive arsenals that they could not possibly consume themselves. They conceal these arsenals in vast, underground temperature and humidity-controlled bunkers called "wine cellars", to which they repair with other militia members for lengthy periods of time during which they admire, fondle, sort, and wax poetic at interminable length about their "collections". They baldly maintain these outsize "collections" are solely for personal "recreational" use. The most radical militia members practice a frightening survivalist creed known as "home winemaking". Assaulting governmental authority, these sociopaths manufacture unsophisticated but powerful wines from easily-obtained, unregulated ingredients such as concord grapes purchased at the local grocery store or grown on their own private property. Their goal is to inflict their wines on innocent members of the public; given the potential for mayhem this can cause, confrontation with these ultra- extrmists is to be avoided at all costs. Their products are routinely condemned even by more mainstream NRA members. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT DAVIS This is a primary indoctrination and training center for the NRA. Unsuspecting youths, ostensibly enrolling to obtain what is euphemistically termed a "higher education", quickly absorb the ideology of their elders and new masters. From Davis, zombie-like "graduates" spread fifth-column messages across the country, encoded in shibboleths with such strange appelations as the now- unmasked and discredited "AxR 1 rootstock" cipher and "micropore filter" dogma. Of particular note, one Doctor Noble (we believe this to be an blatantly assumed aristocratic pseudonym) has contrived a brightly-colored wheel- shaped plastic plaything to lure ever-younger children into her minions through the expedient of likening the unpleasantly alcoholic olfactory sensations of wine to familiar, everyday smells. LINKS TO ORGANIZED CRIME AND HATE GROUPS Wine militias have shadowy links with many other underground organizations. Among the most blatant examples: *Chianti is routinely consumed by the "button men" of Sicilian crime families, who also engage in extortion, gambling, prostitution, drug- dealing and assassination. The upper echelons of these same families are reported to prefer regular consumption of nebbiolo-based products. *The Aryan nation and many skinhead groups are known to drink cheap wine and other potent alcoholic beverages before engaging in hate crimes. *Reliable informants have also observed virulently anti-Arab sects using vast quantities of wine in secret rituals masquerading as religious ceremonies. Mogen David, which reputedly contains more alcohol per dollar than any other wine, figures prominently in this subculture. RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROPOSED LEGISLATION - Hold vineyards responsible for all crimes and losses caused by persons consuming the wines they originate - 5-day waiting period and background check for all wine purchases - Registration of all hand bottles - Ban manufacture and importation of assault bottles for civilian use (Magnums would still be available to law enforcement agencies) - Ban assault bottle "look-alikes" (such as sparkling cider and near beer) - Ban mechanical uncorking devices, which allow fully automatic pouring and have no legitimate sporting purpose - Ban Saturday night specials (i.e. Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird) - Ban arsenals of more than 10 bottles - Design all bottles to dispense no more than 2 oz. per pour; the bottle would have to be raised to dispense another portion - State-operated wine armories would store bottles for individuals until they are ready to consume them. Wine tasters would then surrender their drivers licenses until the empty bottle is returned and a satisfactory blood alcohol check is performed. WINE SAFETY EDUCATION POINTERS Always keep wine locked in a wine jail when not in use Always store corkscrews separately from bottles Keep your finger off the corkscrew lever until ready to open Always aim a bottle in a safe direction (applicable to sparkling wines) Always treat every bottle as loaded Always treat every wine taster as loaded SUBVERSIVE SLOGANS ON BUMPER STICKERS SOLD AT WINE EVENTS Defend the 21st Amendment! Wine doesn't kill people - people kill people I'd rather be drinking! This car insured by Smith & Hook Bottle on Board I have an honor student at the Cape Wine Academy Driver only carries $20 worth of cabernet This car stops for all wine sales! I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy Crime control -- not wine control Wine tasters do it with their tongues I'm pro-wine and I vote! I love my wine, but I fear my government My other car is a total wreck I'll give up my Dominus when they pry it from my cold, dying hand ============================================================= We should all know about Stanley Dry's "Wine Waffle", the easy system to impress fellow wine drinkers when you don't know what to say. Its inherent vagueness covers all the bases and prevents major blunders. Just pick one word at random from each column, and you'll have an opinion -- provided that the wine is enjoyable to begin with! There are 10,000 different combinations: Column A Column B Column C Column D Stimulating Vital Refreshingly Honest Soft Mellow Stylishly Positive Charming Round Characteristically Refined Amusing Fragrant Elegantly Authentic Graceful Fruity Classically Sensuous Clean Aromatic Typically Forward Hedonistic Limpid Exquisitely Structured Smooth Scented Gracefully Balanced Supple Fine Delicately Developed Suave Sophisticated Properly Well-constituted You can speak of a wine as being: "charming, fragrant, exquisitely refined". Or, maybe: "clean, limpid, classically honest". How about "supple, aromatic, characteristically forward". Perhaps "amusing, scented, delicately balanced". ============================================================== THE BS SYSTEM: How to rate wines on a 100-point system -- without even tasting them!! >From Dan Berger, Wine Writer for Los Angeles Times, with additions by Dean Tudor, January, 1995 Points are awarded for the BOX, the BOTTLE, the CAPSULE, the LABEL, and for SPECIAL ATTRIBUTES. 1. THE BOX: Wood, laydown, top must be broken to get into -- add 12 points Wood, easily converts into wine rack -- deduct 13 points Cardboard: double-wall with top and bottom layers -- add 5 points single-wall with thick separators -- add 2 points single-wall with thick cardboard separators -- deduct 8 points laydown -- add 3 points six bottle carton -- add 2 points 2. THE BOTTLE: Dead-leaf-green bottle -- add 6 points Clear bottle for white wine -- add 2 points Clear bottle for red wine -- deduct 1 point Standard green bottle -- deduct 3 points Black Italian bottle with high shoulder for Cabernet, Sangiovese, Zinfandel, etc. -- add 10 points Black Italian bottle with high shoulder for Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc -- add 12 points Frosted or antique bottle -- add 9 points Deep punt -- add 10 points Medium punt -- add 4 points No punt (Napa Valley) -- add 6 points No punt (Bordeaux or Burgundy) -- deduct 9 points No punt (Sonoma County) -- add 3 points No punt (from anywhere else) -- deduct 6 points Bordeaux shape for Pinot Noir -- add 8 points Burgundy shape for Cabernet Sauvignon -- deduct 10 points Wide lip which defeats Screwpull -- add 7 points Non-standard fill -- for 710ml, add 3 points -- for 700ml, deduct 3 points -- for 500ml, add 6 points 3. THE CAPSULE: No capsule -- add 5 points No capsule, clear bottle, with winery-specific cork -- add 5 points Gold capsule, embossed, with date and logo, print on side -- add 10 points Silver capsule, embossed, with date and logo -- add 7 points Lead capsule, post-1992 vintage -- deduct 25 points Metallic colours (silver-red, etc.) -- add 6 points Standard colours: red -- add 3 points blue -- deduct 3 points white -- deduct 4 points green -- deduct 5 points clear -- add 2 points Wax-parafin -- add 11 points Plastic -- deduct 4 points Plastic with tear-strip -- deduct 5 points Pop-Top -- deduct 10 points Screw top, vintaged wine -- add 2 points Neckband (import) -- add 4 points Neckband (domestic) -- deduct 6 points 4. THE LABEL: Number (part of a limited series) -- add 8 points Sprayed gold -- add 9 points Sprayed silver -- add 8 points Gold or silver in fine line, such as a border -- add 5 points Blue used for anything other than sky in picture -- deduct 7 points Picture of gazelle, lamb, deer or duck -- add 11 points Picture of cow, chicken, pig or snake -- deduct 9 points Picture of jet, plane or sailboat -- add 1 point Picture of Edsel or the like -- add 3 points Picture of Ford Bronco or the like -- deduct 5 points Picture of white Ford Bronco -- deduct 8 points Reproduction of painting by a famous painter dead more than 40 years and now hanging in the Louvre -- add 12 points Reproduction of commissioned art by local artist -- add 3 points Reproduction of a fingerpainting by the daughter of the winery owner -- deduct 12 points Seethrough plastic label -- add 2 points Depiction of a moon -- add 5 points Depiction of a sun -- add 1 point Depiction of one of the moons of Saturn -- deduct 7 points Die-cut corners -- add 6 points Hole cut into label -- add 5 points Label cut into an irregular shape -- add 7 points Label made to look like it's torn (Napa Valley) -- add 5 points Label made to look like it's torn (anyplace else) -- deduct 5 points Embossed label -- add 2 points Wraparound label with vineyard details -- add 8 points Wraparound label with phrase "We hope you enjoy this wine" -- deduct 9 points Wraparound label with obvious fictitious story -- deduct 1 point Wraparound label with fictitious but humourous story -- add 10 points Back label with typographical errors -- add 2 points Back label listing great wines made in the past -- deduct 6 points Back label bigger than front label -- add 4 points Domestic wine using the words "chateau", "clos" or anything ending in "age" (more than $10 a bottle) -- add 7 points Domestic wine using the words "chateau", "clos" or anything ending in "age" (less than $10 a bottle) -- deduct 7 points Proprietary wine using a French phrase -- deduct 9 points French wine using an English proprietary phrase -- deduct 12 points Type style using script that cannot be read -- add 5 points Type stule using block letters easily read -- add 3 points Type style designed by professional -- add 9 points Three or more type styles mixed -- deduct 7 points Type size of vintage year is smaller than alcoholic content -- add 2 points 5. SPECIAL ATTRIBUTES: Value-added collar (key chain, extra sample) -- add 3 points Hang card with recipes -- deduct 3 points Winery crest embossed into glass -- add 7 points Producers' association crest embossed into glass -- deduct 6 points Wrapped in tissue -- add 8 points Wrapped in plastic bag -- add 4 points Wrapped in Saran -- deduct 8 points Vintaged wine -- add 2 points Non-vintaged wine -- add 1 point Prices -- $5 - 9 -- deduct 6 points $10 - 19 -- deduct 2 points $20 - 25 -- add 3 points $26 - 40 -- deduct 8 points $41 - 60 -- add 6 points $61 - 89 -- deduct 3 points $90 - 199 -- add 1 point $200 and over -- add 2 points ======================================================================== From Tim Fish, at winetoday.com......what if great writers described wines? Like -- Ernest Hemingway -- "It is a wine. A good wine, not a great one. It is red. Wet. Its power is obvious, obvious and powerful the way men are, men who hunt and get into bar fights. Real men. Except for the smell. The wine smells better than the men." Woody Allen -- "It's n-n-n-n-ot like I'm the kind of person who drinks Chianti, usually, I mean, I eat pasta and I swell up like a tick on an artery. And garlic, don't even get me started. Yet I like this tart little red in a half-hearted Jungian sort of way. I think back to those blind tastings with the Rabinsky Twins, Doris and Phoebe. I get lightheaded just thinking about it. I still have one of their black leather blindfolds." Raymond Chandler -- "I've swilled better gasoline. That at least was at gunpoint. I should stick with Scotch but I have a thing for blondes, blondes like this Chardonnay. I thought it was classy, it had legs tall and sleek as the Chrysler Building. But it turned out to be trouble, like most blondes, a lot of flashy oak and cheap perfume. You'd think I'd learn my lesson." William Faulkner -- "A wine that calls to mind those languorous Southern summers when the days were oppressively warm and furious and impotent and you wandered the hills around Jacksonboro with your third cousin twice-removed on your mother's side, Finnegan Russell (the elder, not his son who everyone called Buck) and his half-witted dog." Shakespeare -- "O nectar, a poetry profound, a liquid fair and hedonistic, a drink meant truly not for mortals but the gods of misty yore. Burdened not by filtering or fining or such slings and arrows beset by fools. Get thee to a bottle." Dr. Seuss -- "One wine. Red wine. This wine. Bad wine." =============================================================================== TOP TWENTY CLASSIC WINE LIES ------------------------------------------------- From the grower, "All our slopes face south" "Our harvest is in the hands of the gods" "We're rediscovering local grape varieties" "We buy all our barrels from first-growths" From the winery, "Our wines are like children -- some take longer than others to develop" "It is the best vintage this decade" "Our winmaker thinks this wine is really interesting" "I am an artist. I paint with colours when I makle my wine" "Chaptalize? Never!" "We picked before the rain, unlike our neighbours" "All the wine is stored in oak barrels. We never use oak chips" From the merchant, "Buy this wine. It's expensive but it won't give you a hangover" "This wine was made to go with food" "There is no such thing as a bad vintage nowadays" From the sommelier, "A gentleman of your standing would require a wine of quality" "Fine food requires fine wine, regardless of the price" "The mustiness, as you prefer to call it, is a hallmark of great Bordeaux" From the consumer, "I don't know much about wine but I do know what I like" "I'm not a wine snob, I've just got expensive tastes" From the taster, "I always spit when tasting"..... Artist: Village People Lyrics Song: L.C.B.O (based on Y.M.C.A. Lyrics) Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy. Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can drink there, and I'm sure you will find Many ways to have a good time. It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ... It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. You can get yourself stink, you can have a good drink, You can do what about you think ... Young man, are you listening to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be? I said, young man, you can make real your dreams. But you got to know this one thing! No man does it all by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf, And just go there, to the l.c.b.o I'm sure they can help you whoa-oh-oh-oh It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ... It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. It's fun to pay through the nose-oh-oh-oh You can get yourself stink, you can have a good drink, You can do what about you think ... Young man, I was once in your shoes. I said, I was down and out with the blues. I felt no man cared if I were alive. I felt the whole world was so tight ... That's when someone came up to me, And said, young man, take a walk up the street. There's a place there called the l.c.b.o They can start you back on your sink or swim-oh It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o. It's fun to pay through the nose-oh-oh-oh They have everything for you men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys ... L-c-b-o ... you'll find it listed at the l-c-b-o Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down. Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground. L-c-b-o ... you'll find it listed at the l-c-b-o Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down. Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground. L-c-b-o ... just go to the l-c-b-o Young man, young man, are you listening to me? Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?